Thursday, 11 September 2008

First Love

I was reading a newsletter from my old high school yesterday when I realised that next year will be my 20 year reunion.

20 years! Wow that happened fast.

The year I left school I was 17. I look at 17 year olds today and want to dismiss them as "babies", but I wasn't a baby at 17. I wasn't even a child any more. I'd already made some hard choices regarding my future, and I'd fallen in love and had my heart broken by another 17 year old.

Gosh we were young and beautiful. I saw a picture of my first love on Facebook the other day and he's now completely bald and hairy and pale. Ugh. It can't be the same guy - he was an absolute Adonis at 17 with floppy blonde hair and a firm tanned hairless physique!

We met at the birthday party of a mutual friend, who was a girl in my class. Attending a girl's school boys were in short supply, so anyone with brothers/friends-of-brothers/friend-boys was expected to bring them along to any party. I can't remember the girl now, but I sure do remember the friend-boy she'd invited! I probably introduced myself and I'm fairly sure he asked something totally cheesey like "What's your sign?". We were instantly smitten.

He lived in the neighbouring city and attended a boy's boarding school so we only saw each other on the occasional weekend. Because it was so far to travel we'd take turns staying over at each other's houses - I was supposed to be sleeping in his sister's room but I'd sneak to his room most nights for a snogging session. Heavens he could kiss! We'd work ourselves into a frenzy but my panties stayed firmly in place while he called me a tease and tried every trick in the book to sway me.

It was the end of the year before he finally talked me into "going all the way", which was a total disappointment. I remember wondering what all the fuss was about, and it didn't improve the handful of times that we tried it. Final Exams passed, school finished for good, he and his family went away on holiday for Christmas and New Year, and when he came back he broke up with me by telling me he'd cheated on me.

I was devastated. This stunning, highly intelligent, awesomely hot young man didn't find me good enough to hold his attention. He'd taken something precious and smashed it for the sake of a one night stand... that probably wasn't that good anyway! Oh the pain, the humiliation, the loss. The sense of worthlessness stuck with me for a good few years, exacerbated by some very thoughtless young men along the way. I can't blame it all on my first love of course, but it did take me a long time to get over his betrayal.

I hope that when a child of mine has their heart broken I don't say something silly like "You're young, it doesn't count.", because I've found the opposite to be true - nothing has hurt as much as the first time my heart broke.

(I found out years later that all he'd done was snog some girl, but he felt guilty about it so told me he'd cheated, and I'd assumed the worst. He probably didn't mean to break up with me! Guys, a kiss is sometimes just a kiss.)

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