Tuesday, 18 April 2017

Thanks

Thank you for the kind words. This blog has been dormant for so long I assume no one reads it anymore. Anyway.

Last week Milord let me stay at a hotel for 2 nights, so I had a very nice break from the family. I feel so guilty for needing time away from them, but it sure was lovely to only look after myself for a couple of days! I booked into a hotel literally over the road from my office, so I could sleep in, go for breakfast, and still get to work on time. Awesome. Milord also skipped golf over the Easter weekend and was home to co-parent for a change. That made a great difference!

I feel a lot better. I haven't cried in over a week. I'm still a little sad deep down, but I've recharged my happy-face and I'm ready to pick up the burden again. Milord says I can maybe take a night off once a month. A hotel room once a month works out a lot cheaper than me having a proper breakdown and taking weeks off work I suppose!

I should blog more. Writing this stuff out helps.

Have a couple of Easter pics:

Saturday, 8 April 2017

I. Do. Not. Cry.

Princess made me cry a couple of days ago, for the first time since I was a sleep-deprived new mother.

I never cry.

I am always calm, collected and in control. I hate crying, I hate feeling like I am manipulating someone else with my tears, I hate the headache and the bloated red face and swollen eyes I get. I. Do. Not. Cry.

I think I am on the edge of a breakdown. I keep crying at odd moments. In the toilet at work. Driving home with an upbeat track on the radio. Lying in bed on the verge of sleep.

Princess was diagnosed with ADHD and a bit of autism last October. I still need to write about that. We were finding her hard to handle and she was finding life hard to handle, so the diagnosis was a relief. She is on Ritalin now, and that is helping her enormously at school. We are far more understanding of her mood swings and outbursts, and her depression has lifted.

But as Milord said: “Her Depression has just transferred to you.”

I was a little depressed anyway. This whole wife-and-mother thing has proven rather unrewarding, but I was coping, painting rainbows over the cracks, keeping calm and carrying on. Fantasizing about getting a hotel room to myself and hiding from the world for a few days. Putting up with Milord playing a stupid amount of golf while competing in a couple of competitions. Smiling and doing my best to be a good parent, doing my best to hold onto my temper, doing my best to push through the days, doing my best to let Princess’ nasty words roll over me and help her manage herself.

Obviously I am only human. I do lose my temper at the kids, I do yell, I do send them to their rooms. I feel bad about it and I try harder…

On Thursday I went out of my way for my kids. I made Princess a beautiful Easter headband for a Guides event with little rainbow chicks on it. I got extra chicks for King and Princess to play with. I found the cutest little soft toys and bought them each the one I thought they’d like best just for a treat. I spoke to the restaurant we were having a meal at to have them cook Princess’ chicken a little less so it wasn’t too tough.

The kids were thrilled, Princess looked awesome, dinner was eaten. I thought I’d knocked the mummy thing out of the park! I was so pleased with myself.

And then later in the evening Princess told me that everything about her day had sucked since I’d picked her up from school. I felt my heart break, my eyes welled up and my throat closed. I had to leave the room.

It was like the final straw that breaks the camel’s back. I am no longer calm or coping. I cry randomly. I have an extremely short temper. I’m falling apart.

Milord has noticed. He’s trying to give me some space from the kids. I hope it helps.