Across time

Inspired by Claire's letter to her 17 year self, but considering that I recently wrote about being 17...

If you could talk to the you of 10 or 20 years time, what would you say? What questions do you have? Here we go...

Dear Saffa in 10 years time,

So, mid 40's eh? How's that going? Milord is jumpy right now about turning 50 in a couple of years, are you cool with it? I'll tell you what I'm telling him: no one over 30 thinks 50 is that old! Folk over 60 think you're wet behind the ears. Relax and enjoy, you have decades still to come!

Are you a good mother? They'll be well under 10 years old if I do my job right so in theory at the nicest stage! Do you enjoy being a mom? If you are struggling then remember why you did it: because it is the biggest adventure challenge there is and you didn't want to turn into one of those rather strange stunted women who never had a family and who channel all their love into dogs and cats. You know who I mean.

Are you still a good wife? Your 10 year anniversary has just passed. Remember your priorities - your husband must come first if your marriage is going to be happy. Husband, then children, then self, then job. Do you have the balance right?

Are you taking care of yourself? You better be, because I'm knocking myself out here in your 30's to give you a good body to carry on with! Moderation, darling. You know the truth, now believe in it. And get that husband of yours to cut back too.

I'd love to know what job you are doing. There are very few programmers around in their late 40s (ok ok, mid 40s) right now... does that become the norm or do you head into management? Did you stop for a few years to bring up the kids? Did you discover a whole new direction? Whatever you choose I'm sure you're fine. If you're not fine then stop! Go do something else - it's never too late to be a success in a new direction - just think of your mom and what she achieved after 55.

Speaking of which, how is your mom? She'll be just over 70. Did you manage to get her to emigrate to be with you? Is she living in a granny flat in your garden helping with the kiddies or forging yet another career somewhere? Did she find someone to love? God I hope so, she has so much to give to the right bloke. Is she with a good bloke? If not then do something about it this time!

And how's Dad and Stepmom? Still semi-retired on the sunset coast spoiling the grandkids when they get the chance? I bet Dad's turned into one of those marvellous sinewy old blokes who can still windsurf at 75. Awesome.

I assume you're still in Sydney, but if you're in a whole new continent I won't be surprised - you always had itchy feet.

Don't you dare get boring on me! Remember: "Life is short, so why not?!"

Yours sincerely
30's Saffa

When I am old

It's freezing here this week!

Ok, it's not actually freezing - I am in Sydney after all - but it's jolly cold. It got below 10C at night this week and isn't quite getting to 20C during the day. The wind goes right through me and my really warm clothes are. still. in. storage! Aaargh! We should have our hands on our stored gear in a just a few weeks so I refuse to go and buy a new wool coat, but it sure is tempting.

This morning I layered up with a vest, woolly polo neck and fleece jacket for my walk to work. It was a clear breezy morning and I was enjoying the sunshine as I climbed the long rise onto the Anzac Bridge. As I got to the middle of the bridge I noticed an old man walking on the wrong side of the path (bikes and pedestrians use the keep-left rule). "Bloody tourists" I thought.

As I got closer I realised that he wasn't walking as much as, well, staggering. And his shirt was unbuttoned and flapping in the breeze so that his substantial torso was bare (remember it's freezing). The walkers and cyclists passing the man were all glancing back at him in consternation and I was terrified that not only his shirt was going to be unbuttoned when I reached him! I drew level, carefully looking straight ahead, and when I was past I looked back - luckily his pants appeared to be in place but the man really wasn't looking well. He looked confused, distressed, and on the point of collapse.

What to do? I didn't want to go near him - he scared me. What if he attacked me or abused me or collapsed and I had to - ew - resuscitate him? What if he made me late for work? Everyone else seemed to be thinking the same thing... but then I saw one of my fellow walkers pull out his phone and make a call while keeping an eye on the old man. I could hear him talking to the emergency services which was a relief, although it troubled me that even the man calling for help didn't stop walking.

I don't know what happened to the old man because I walked away. We all walked away. We left him half dressed and in distress in the middle of a high bridge with 6 lanes of traffic roaring past.

I feel bad. What if it had been my Dad? I should have stopped.

When I am old and I'm in trouble I hope the young suits on their way to work will stop and talk to me. And in return I'll try to remember not to attack them!

When I am old

On most days I catch the bus to work. Generally my busload is made up of a gaggle of giggling schoolkids and a bunch of sleepy adults fresh from the shower. I fall into the sleepy category...

The other day I was half snoozing in my seat observing the world from behind my sunglasses. There was an old lady sitting the in seat in front of me and I was gently musing about her. I considered that you don't often see the wool knits with the metallic thread running through it any more, and I wondered how long she'd had her cardigan. Her somewhat greasy hair was scraped into a pony tail and I wondered if, when I am old, I will stop washing my hair every day. I wondered where she was off to at 7:30 in the morning with the working crowd.

At about this point the old duck turned around and started chatting to me. "Oh man." I thought, "Why do I always attract the lunatics? Now she's going to talk crazy at me all the way to town... maybe I should jump off and get the next bus." I nodded and smiled and tried not to stare at her toothless mouth and sun-damaged skin.

Then the strangest thing happened. She was interesting! She told me about the various landmarks we were passing - their history and what they meant to her. She told me about my suburb, Balmain, and how it used to be a docker's area and now was all trendy. The library on the way used to be a children's hospital and she took her kids there when they were sick... and so on. She was 74 and lived alone and liked taking the bus for a change of scene.

You know what? I was sorry to get off at my stop. I would have liked to have stayed chatting to that old lady for the rest of the morning - maybe over a cup of tea. It was a glimpse into the past and it was fascinating. She was in my thoughts all day.

When I am old I hope I have the courage to chat to the young whippersnappers on the bus dozing behind their sunglasses, and share a bit of my wealth of experience.

Zombies

I love zombie movies...

One of my favourite movies of all time is Shaun of the Dead - a British comedy/horror. It is hysterically funny - if you like British humour and don't mind a bit of gore give it a watch.

A couple of years ago I popped over to Australia to have a closer look at Milord after 5 months of emailing. We had a very rainy day during my visit and rented a couple of DVDs. He chose something about Peter Sellers and I chose Shaun of the Dead telling him he was going to love it... he did, but it probably wasn't the best choice for a "first date" kind of movie! Zombies don't exactly get you all romantic, eh? (The Peter Sellers movie was worse I reckon. I didn't enjoy it and fell asleep halfway through)

It's now one of Milord's favourite movies, so I was right about him... we have the same sense of humour although he really struggled with Napoleon Dynamite which I thought was very funny.

Yesterday we watched Dawn of the Dead, on which Shaun of the Dead is loosely based. Milord sat through the first part of it going "Now what are you making me watch? This is rubbish." until he finally relaxed and let himself be sucked into the story. He tends to resist ridiculous movies, but enjoys them eventually - and so too with this one. At the end he turned to me and said "Yeah, you're right, that was excellent!".

I've also made him watch 28 Days Later, and he liked it so much we rented 28 Weeks Later soon afterwards. I didn't like that one as much - it was too gruesome.

What things have you introduced your other half to, that they were surprised to discover they enjoyed?

Marriage

Marriage is a confusing topic isn't it?

Being South African I can clearly remember a time when I wouldn't have considered having children outside of marriage, or even of taking out a joint house loan without that firm commitment. On my dad's side of the family, with the notable exception of himself, none of his generation have divorced. My mum's side all have, but they're British-born so that's different ;-).

Now that I'm nudging past the 35 mark without ever finding someone silly enough to commit completely to me I find myself wondering if it's really such a big deal. If I continue to wait for "Mr Right" to propose I may never buy a house or have children, and that is beginning to overshadow my previous priorities.

It's not like marriage is a guarantee of someone sticking by you any more anyway. A couple of my cousins are already divorced, and many of my friends and aquaintances have thrown in the towel at least once. Being a single mum or dad doesn't carry the stigma that it used to, even in South Africa. I earn enough to manage a mortgage and raise a child alone if I have to, so I don't have to marry to be financially secure.

But I still want to get married. I'm an incurable romantic and I don't think being a "girlfriend" is good enough, I want to be wanted 100%. And I want to give myself 100% - I would absolutely change my name, merge my identity, have a family, pause my career and put my husband first.

Of course marriage is hard work, but that's why it's more meaningful than "boyfriend-girlfriend". If you're not married then it's easy to walk away, so marriage is not entered into lightly. It's not just a romantic gesture, it's a very big deal. People who say marriage is a piece of paper are not taking the commitment seriously. It's a promise to go the distance in spite of the hardships coming up - and there are always hard times to work through.

Anything less is not a real commitment, and where's the point in that?