Tuesday, 18 April 2017

Thanks

Thank you for the kind words. This blog has been dormant for so long I assume no one reads it anymore. Anyway.

Last week Milord let me stay at a hotel for 2 nights, so I had a very nice break from the family. I feel so guilty for needing time away from them, but it sure was lovely to only look after myself for a couple of days! I booked into a hotel literally over the road from my office, so I could sleep in, go for breakfast, and still get to work on time. Awesome. Milord also skipped golf over the Easter weekend and was home to co-parent for a change. That made a great difference!

I feel a lot better. I haven't cried in over a week. I'm still a little sad deep down, but I've recharged my happy-face and I'm ready to pick up the burden again. Milord says I can maybe take a night off once a month. A hotel room once a month works out a lot cheaper than me having a proper breakdown and taking weeks off work I suppose!

I should blog more. Writing this stuff out helps.

Have a couple of Easter pics:

Saturday, 8 April 2017

I. Do. Not. Cry.

Princess made me cry a couple of days ago, for the first time since I was a sleep-deprived new mother.

I never cry.

I am always calm, collected and in control. I hate crying, I hate feeling like I am manipulating someone else with my tears, I hate the headache and the bloated red face and swollen eyes I get. I. Do. Not. Cry.

I think I am on the edge of a breakdown. I keep crying at odd moments. In the toilet at work. Driving home with an upbeat track on the radio. Lying in bed on the verge of sleep.

Princess was diagnosed with ADHD and a bit of autism last October. I still need to write about that. We were finding her hard to handle and she was finding life hard to handle, so the diagnosis was a relief. She is on Ritalin now, and that is helping her enormously at school. We are far more understanding of her mood swings and outbursts, and her depression has lifted.

But as Milord said: “Her Depression has just transferred to you.”

I was a little depressed anyway. This whole wife-and-mother thing has proven rather unrewarding, but I was coping, painting rainbows over the cracks, keeping calm and carrying on. Fantasizing about getting a hotel room to myself and hiding from the world for a few days. Putting up with Milord playing a stupid amount of golf while competing in a couple of competitions. Smiling and doing my best to be a good parent, doing my best to hold onto my temper, doing my best to push through the days, doing my best to let Princess’ nasty words roll over me and help her manage herself.

Obviously I am only human. I do lose my temper at the kids, I do yell, I do send them to their rooms. I feel bad about it and I try harder…

On Thursday I went out of my way for my kids. I made Princess a beautiful Easter headband for a Guides event with little rainbow chicks on it. I got extra chicks for King and Princess to play with. I found the cutest little soft toys and bought them each the one I thought they’d like best just for a treat. I spoke to the restaurant we were having a meal at to have them cook Princess’ chicken a little less so it wasn’t too tough.

The kids were thrilled, Princess looked awesome, dinner was eaten. I thought I’d knocked the mummy thing out of the park! I was so pleased with myself.

And then later in the evening Princess told me that everything about her day had sucked since I’d picked her up from school. I felt my heart break, my eyes welled up and my throat closed. I had to leave the room.

It was like the final straw that breaks the camel’s back. I am no longer calm or coping. I cry randomly. I have an extremely short temper. I’m falling apart.

Milord has noticed. He’s trying to give me some space from the kids. I hope it helps.

Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Spinning Reality

4 years ago this week was when Milord quit his job while being sole provider for the family. I’m not angry any more, but I am disappointed and a bit distrustful still.

The main thing annoying me now is that Milord is starting to rewrite history. He has a tendency to exaggerate things, and to start believing his exaggerations, and then to exaggerate those... I have learned over the years to always take his stories with a sack of salt. But now he’s doing it to the events of 4 years ago and that’s maddening! In front of me, to our friends. Ugh.

So, the true history is:

4 years ago I got a phone call saying “I just quit, and I am on my way home.”

It was awful. We had no savings, I was a stay at home mum with 2 very small children, and we were also supporting my mother who was living with us.

I started job hunting, which was soul-destroying after 4 years as a stay at home mum. Sydney did not want to know me. I put the kids in daycare which they hated and which we couldn’t afford, so that I was ready to jump at the first job opportunity. Milord was job hunting too and getting nothing. He was depressed and I was angry. We couldn’t pay our mortgage and fought with the bank to get a deferment on our payments. Family gave us money and we used the insurance on Milord’s lost wedding ring to pay the mortgage one month. My father’s inheritance was drained paying for food and incidentals. The credit card bills grew by $3000 per month.

After 6 months I finally found work 4 hours away in Canberra. We had to move cities, find a place to live and find daycare. The house and daycare were still more than we could afford, and the credit cards still climbed. I hated my job but I couldn’t leave it. When Milord eventually found a job after 9 months of looking we were $40,000 in credit card debt. We had to remortgage our Sydney house to pay them off.

I was angry and depressed for years. I daydreamed about being divorced or widowed. I drank too much and I put on a lot of weight. Milord sat on the couch and drank and watched golf and didn’t lift a finger around the house or with the kids for a whole year. I eventually forced him to join the local golf club just to get him out of my face on the weekends. He was still a useless husband and father, but at least he was gone some of the time.

Just over one year ago Milord did a business trip to Dubai, and I realised I wanted a separation. I didn’t miss him and it was a relief not having him mooching around the house. I was earning enough to look after myself and the kids, and I felt he’d be a better father with shared custody which would force him to actually spend time with his children. Milord was blindsided! He didn’t realise that I felt betrayed and angry, that I was carrying so much hurt for years. Apparently I am very good at presenting a calm fa├žade to the world.

We talked things through and he apologised for the first time for what he had done.

And then the story spinning started: “I didn’t quit, I was fired, and I was too ashamed to say so”. Now, in Australia you can’t just be fired. It takes several written warnings, with performance targets to meet which reset the dismissal process when you meet them. I have watched Milord try to dismiss problem employees before, and it’s not easy to achieve. So, I don’t exactly accept the new story.

A couple of days ago we saw a friend that we haven’t seen in about a decade. Milord was explaining why we now live in Canberra: “Well, WanderingSaffaChick wanted to re-enter the workforce, and I told her that wherever she found I job I would follow. I wasn’t really enjoying my job anyway.”

What. The. Fuck. I am really annoyed.