Almost 7 Weeks

So, here I am almost 7 weeks pregnant.

sigh

I'm having so much trouble getting invested in this pregnancy. I'm doing all the right things of course - no forbidden foods or alcohol and all the right vitamins etc - I just can't let myself be happy about it because I'm too scared I'll miscarry again.

I have made a doctors appointment for 2 days time, and I'll ask her for a referral for a scan so that we can check that this baby is ok. I desperately need to see that galloping heartbeat!

I still "feel pregnant". I'm needing a nap in the afternoon, my appetite is all over the place and my boobs are definitely a bit fuller.

I suppose I should start recording some stats...

Weight at conception: 74.5kg
Weight at 7 weeks: 73.5kg
Loss/Gain: -1kg



Ooooh. I've just found out that another one of the women in my Mother's Group is miscarrying... That makes 3 of us out of 11. Oh that makes me feel even worse!

Christmas Day - behind the smiles

Actually, there was a serious blight on my Christmas Day. At about midday I had a bit of bleeding - just a smudge on the loo paper, but that is just how my miscarriage earlier this year started.

I was so upset. I was convinced I was losing this baby too.

All afternoon and evening I was in a daze, unable to concentrate on conversations or participate. Luckily there were so many people around that no one (except Milord of course) noticed that I was very subdued.

In the end there was no more bleeding that day or since. I'm feeling "pregnant", which for me means I am feeling tired and slightly peculiar, so I hope everything is ok. In the new year I'll see my GP and get a referral for a scan and check all is as it should be.

Avoiding booze on Christmas Day wasn't too hard. I pretended I had a horrible hangover so skipped the glass of welcome champagne. When the Pimms was served I sneaked some of the fruit into a glass of ginger ale which looked the same! I nursed an alcohol-free beer for a couple of hours, and then it was evening and I was the designated driver so couldn't drink.

I'm not sure how I'm going to fake the house party over the New Years long weekend, but I'm considering starting a "detox" on the 1st after faking it the night before!

I had no idea

Several friends and acquaintances of mine have had miscarriages. Each time I've mouthed sympathetic words, but inside I'd always felt that a miscarriage - or even a stillbirth - wasn't quite a person yet and so didn't merit a great of grief.

I was wrong.
Flash was already a person to me, and I am certainly grieving.
It's really hard.

Milord had a go at me for rearranging the babies' room this week: hiding the still-unassembled second cot behind furniture. I just couldn't stand to see that sorry pile of mattress and rails looking at me any more. I packed the double pram in a large bin liner and lugged it into the loft space. I boxed the maternity clothes, and I tidied away the prenatal exercise DVDs. When I have a glad reason to see them again I'll bring them back...

Walking past newborn nappies in the supermarket makes my lip tremble, and watching a documentary about childbirth had tears rolling down my cheeks.

I've lost a kilo since I last stepped on the scale. Where that would normally make me jump for joy I know that the weight loss is my missing baby bump and I just feel awful.

Milord is either being very strong or has disappeared into a man-cave to deal with things. He doesn't want to talk about losing Flash and I'm not ready to talk about trying again, so we're just avoiding the subject. It's a bit lonely.

Physically I'm ok - just a bit of painless spotting.

Emotionally I have a long way to go.

Why we get out of bed in the morning...

We're doing ok. Had the D&C today. I was terrified - trembling and tearful as I was wheeled into theatre. I'd been under general anaesthetic once before in my life and had such a horrible experience that I'd sworn never to do it again. Unless I had to... *sigh*

In the end the general was just fine. I woke up easily in no pain surrounded by soothing nurses. The crappy part was the 4 hour sit in the waiting room to have the elective pre-booked procedure! I'm never using the public hospital system again. Unless I have to...

I feel better now than I have in a week. Physically better. Emotionally better. Psychologically ready to move on now that Flash has truly left us.

But this is the main reason we feel ok:



She's been brilliant, in spite of spending days in hospital waiting rooms or travelling in the car. In spite of catching a nasty cold and running a temperature. In spite of mummy and daddy needing extra cuddles.

Thank all the gods we have our Princess!

Flash has left the building

Last Friday I started bleeding. Just a smudge on the loo paper, but still... I rang my doctor and they said to keep an eye on things and if I was still bleeding on Monday they'd send me for a checkup. It was a long, long, looong weekend. The bleeding got worse, then better, then worse, then better.

On Monday I rang my doctor and they said to get myself checked out at the hospital. I love hospitals. I especially love public hospitals. Milord came back from work and sat with me in a sad cramped room with many other couples looking tense for 4 hours. We were in the miniscule minority in that we had a bright bouncing Princess laughing in our laps, and she has been the only thing keeping us upright at times. I feel so sorry for the childless couples who were waiting with us.

We eventually had a scan that showed us a very undersized Flash, with no heartbeat. Looks like the fetus died a few weeks back, but my body didn't want to accept the truth...

We are not ok, but we are better than we were a few days ago and we are being very very kind to each other. Milord was given the week off to be with me. We went away for a night, via a glorious scenic drive that took 7 hours of mountains and rivers and bright green gum trees. Princess was an angel. I'm still bleeding, but it's painless and more like a period than anything.

Tomorrow I will be having the final cleanup, as my body is still in denial. And then we will pull ourselves back together, and keep on keeping on.

We are so sad. We were so looking forward to meeting Flash.