Wednesday, 25 August 2010

I had no idea

Several friends and acquaintances of mine have had miscarriages. Each time I've mouthed sympathetic words, but inside I'd always felt that a miscarriage - or even a stillbirth - wasn't quite a person yet and so didn't merit a great of grief.

I was wrong.
Flash was already a person to me, and I am certainly grieving.
It's really hard.

Milord had a go at me for rearranging the babies' room this week: hiding the still-unassembled second cot behind furniture. I just couldn't stand to see that sorry pile of mattress and rails looking at me any more. I packed the double pram in a large bin liner and lugged it into the loft space. I boxed the maternity clothes, and I tidied away the prenatal exercise DVDs. When I have a glad reason to see them again I'll bring them back...

Walking past newborn nappies in the supermarket makes my lip tremble, and watching a documentary about childbirth had tears rolling down my cheeks.

I've lost a kilo since I last stepped on the scale. Where that would normally make me jump for joy I know that the weight loss is my missing baby bump and I just feel awful.

Milord is either being very strong or has disappeared into a man-cave to deal with things. He doesn't want to talk about losing Flash and I'm not ready to talk about trying again, so we're just avoiding the subject. It's a bit lonely.

Physically I'm ok - just a bit of painless spotting.

Emotionally I have a long way to go.


waterbob said...

Hey Chick - I have nothing to add, you have said it all and our sympathies are with you. I wish I was close enough to hug!
Don't think the big guy isn't also hurting - we're good at strong and sometimes taking the pain somewhere else is just not to stress you ladies out further.
Yep still a ways to go and you are in our thoughts.

Lisa said...

big, warm hug, Mel.

sassyshell said...

Hi, I came across your blog by clicking "next blog" at the top of the page.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I had two miscarriages and D&C's, prior to having our beautiful now 8 month old baby girl. It's been a few years now, and I honestly think you never forget about the children that would have been. The loss doesn't go away, just get easier with time. Hang in there, and enjoy your beautiful girl!

Hedgehog said...

Hi Mel, Just take it easy and don't rush things. It's very important to grieve as Flash was very real to you both. Give each other lots of love and I really am glad you have your absolutely gorgeous Princess to keep you both going. It won't be long before you can put it all behind you. xxx Favourite Aunty!

Suzanne said...

Hugs to you, my friend.

Two days ago, my niece lost her son at 22 weeks gestation.

I am sad for both of you, because these children were already so loved.

greytonsal said...

It will take time, my Love, to come to terms with your loss. Flash was very real to all of us and will always be remembered. Enjoy your lovely Princess and another little one will come along at the right time. Lots of big hugs and love from me. Wish I could be there in person to give them to you, but the phone and this great blog is a comfort to me and brings you all closer.