Friday, 26 September 2014

Bravery

I've been getting some lovely responses to my newsletter, some from friends and family I haven't heard from in a very long time (I guess if you stop writing to folk they'll stop writing to you? Huh. And if you stop blogging then people stop visiting...)

Mostly they have been messages of "Wow, that must have sucked, glad you are through it".

Today a friend wrote to tell me I was "brave" to leave Sydney and my life there for a new life in Canberra. I responded with this:

Funny, I don't think we were brave to move to Canberra. Is it brave to take the only job offer you get when you are about to have to sell your house just to get by?

That's like saying you'd be brave to leave a burning building LOL!

To me, the brave thing was holding the marriage together through it all. No fighting, no nagging, no blaming, biting my tongue day after day until we found our feet again. Being supportive when I really wanted to scream and run away. Being kind when I was angry. Being loving when I felt betrayed and disrespected.

Now that felt like staying in a burning building.


I've also had people tell me I am "brave" to share what I've been through.

Is sharing brave? I suppose it did take an effort to hit "send" or "post" and to open myself up again after so long.

I'm tired of hiding how I feel. I have built barriers between myself and the rest of the world, to the point where my own husband was blindsided when I told him that I couldn't cope any more. That if we didn't do something about it then the marriage was going to fail. That I was sad to my core.

I couldn't blog or write emails to friends, because I was living a lie and couldn't bring myself to write it too.

It was, I think, necessary. I don't see how we would have pulled though with me being all Drama!Queen at the same time.

Hiding my real feelings was hard. Was it brave? I suppose it might be as brave as staying in a burning building until you are sure your family is out!

No comments: