Monday, 18 January 2016

Happy New Year!

I mentioned that I was depressed in my last post (back in October). This was a huge deal for me to admit. My South African/British/Australian culture/heritage frowns on such self-absorbed feelings and counselling is "not done" so I felt I had no one to talk to. I haven't made any close friends here in Canberra yet. Even my blog was out of bounds, because my friends and family sometimes read it, so how could I vent here?

I've been carrying around an enormous amount of anger and resentment and sadness at Milord since he quit his (sole providing) job almost 3 years ago. Damn, that's a long time to be angry and sad. Even after we dragged ourselves out of the Pit of Despair onto safe ground again I was still upset, although I didn't show it except for being physically quite unaffectionate with Milord.

I finally reached my breaking point in October. It was hard and painful but Milord and I had some difficult conversations and at least one full-blown row (most unusual for us, and I was reminded of why I don't like confrontation with him - he fights dirty) but it actually helped after the dust settled! The simmering rage and deep sadness have passed... I won't say we're 100% but we are certainly better.

I even fancied sex the other day. For the first time in years!

I no longer feel like I am in a holding pattern in my marriage, I can see a future together again. It has been so very hard, for so very long. I was afraid that I would never forgive him or trust him again, and that we were doomed to fail.

I have a good feeling about this coming year!

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