I'm Home

I've been home for over a week, and it almost feels as if I was never away and my Dad's passing was all a dream. Until one of my kids makes me laugh and I realise that it has been so very long since I last felt like laughing...

I'm ok. I'm just sort of generally a little bit sad. The week I spent in South Africa after Dad died was so hugely emotional that I think I have worked through a great deal of my grief already. Or else it is waiting to hit me later.

We held Dad's memorial on Tuesday 28th August in Saldanha, where he and StepMom live. Because of the short notice and long way to travel we only had about 100 people turn up, where we'd been expecting at least double that. It was nice to have a relatively small number though and they were all close friends and family. One of Dad's brothers and StepBrother flew in from London, a cousin flew from Jhb, and folk gathered from all over.

The memorial was held at the yacht club, of which Dad was a member. It was very suitable, right on the water, and we had glorious weather. Several people spoke, including Dad's doctor from the hospice who was a true angel of mercy. StepGranddaughter C sang Amazing Grace at Dad's request and we all cried. The flower arrangements were done in the colours of the desert spring flowers which are blooming right now in the Saldanha area, and which my Dad loved. There was lots of good food, plenty of wine, and at the end the remaining family gathered at home for a braai.

After Dad died I moved into the house with StepMom (I'd been staying around the corner with StepSister) so that she (and I) wouldn't be waking up alone. It was incredibly emotional and we took turns dissolving in tears until the day I left.

Since coming home I haven't cried much. The kids take a lot of attention and I caught a horrible cold within a couple of days which I can't seem to shake, so there isn't much time left over for grief (or blogging or anything else!)

My Dad is Gone

My Dad died on Wednesday 22 August 2012 at 9:40pm.

He passed quietly in his sleep with his wife by his side. I had kissed him goodnight and told him I loved him just a few hours before.

I did manage to have a lovely visit with Dad for a week before he had to go hospital. Although he couldn't get out of bed he was lucid and chatty and very happy to have me there.

I am glad his suffering is over, but oh how sad I am that he is no longer in my life.

I wrote this tribute for Dad a while ago, and I shared it with him during my visit. He was thrilled and very touched.

---

Every child starts off thinking their Dad knows everything and can do anything.

When I was little Dad made me a ride-on tortoise, and a bit later a scooter. He has built shelves and furniture, brewed beer, pickled olives, cured biltong and renovated houses. Dad has surfed, paddle-skied, windsurfed, kite surfed, hanglided, played tennis, cycled the Argus and run marathons, including the Comrades several times. He has serviced his own cars, and mine once I owned one. All this while carving an exemplary career as a naval officer. There is nothing Dad can’t do.

Dad always feels other people should be able to do anything too, and encourages us to attempt everything we want to do. Milord often says “Why didn’t you wait for me to come home to do it for you?”, when it never occurs to me that I couldn’t do it myself! My Dad taught me to do anything.

Anything I ask Dad he can usually answer, and if not then he’ll find out. “I don’t know” is never a good enough answer for him, and so there is nothing Dad doesn’t know.

Once I learned to read Dad’s answers tended to become “Look it up” as he steered me towards the 3 sets of encyclopedias we owned. At the time it was a bit frustrating, but knowing how to find things out for myself is an invaluable skill. “I don’t know” is not good enough for me either! One of the best professional compliments I have ever received was from a colleague who said he was always happy to explain something to me, because he knew I’d already looked everywhere else for the answer first. My Dad taught me to know everything.

Not many independent adults can say that their Dad has never fallen off the All-knowing All-doing pedestal!

I’ve been hearing stories about Dad from family recently. The recurring themes are “Hero”, “Mentor”, “Leader” and “Larger than Life”. Dad was just “Dad” to me, and I thought all his fabulous attributes were normal. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been so disappointed in the various boyfriends I tested over the years, and why it took me until my mid-thirties to finally find a man who measures up!

Family has always been very important to Dad, and he has been the centre of our enormous clan from the beginning. As the eldest and the first to settle down, Dad’s house was usually the venue for any family gatherings and I grew up surrounded by a swarm of aunties, uncles and cousins. I am really sad that Dad is not going to be able to be Grandad to my kids. Grace and James won’t remember their Grandad, or know what it’s like to be tickled and teased into a complete meltdown by him as a little kid, or be able to draw on his vast wisdom as confused teenagers, or be able to merrily share a few beers and tall tales as young adults.

Somewhere over the past few decades my Dad and I became friends rather than just father and daughter. He now trusts me to choose the right job, the right country and the right husband. Dad always says: “If you know what you want, you can achieve it. Believe in yourself. Be happy.”

I think Dad’s proud of me. I’m certainly proud of him!

Plus, of course, I love him to bits. I love my Dad like a flower follows the sun, like water flows downhill and like night follows day. He has always been there in the background no matter how far I roam or how rarely we make contact, and I can't imagine the void his absence is going to create.

I'm Fine

I'm getting worried emails from around the world!

I'm fine, really. Nothing a slab of chocolate and some wine can't fix! I don't get depressed, but I do get sad, worried, frustrated and cross. Sometimes all at once and I then I feel the need to complain.

Princess will be fine. The heart murmur can't be that bad if they've only just found it, I'm not really concerned about her balance, and the glasses are cooooool.

I have the sweetest boy in the world.

Dad's blood results were so good this week he didn't need to be admitted.

So, on the whole, things are as good as they can be ;-)

Pity Party

*sigh* I have the blues.

In 4 days I fly to South Africa to see my Dad. To say goodbye.

Dad spends half of each week in the hospital now, receiving blood and antibiotics as his body is not doing much in that department anymore. He sleeps most of the time. This will be the last time I see my father.

I feel bad writing that I'm miserable, because it's so selfish.

Poor Princess is getting glasses today, which she has to wear all the time to try to correct a squint. If the glasses don't work then she will need surgery on her eye muscles. And she's now been referred to a neurologist because her walking is so wobbly. Oh, and she has a fucking heart murmur!

The cost of the fence we recently built, my flights to see Dad and Milord's leg operation have seriously impacted our finances. I have had to dip into the kid's college fund to pay for it all. This makes me feel bad too. And makes Milord cranky because he's the breadwinner blah blah blah.

I'm fat. No more than usual, but I really was hoping I'd lose a few kilos before my trip to visit Dad. It seems so wrong to be a blobby mess while visiting someone who is wasting away because they can't eat. Food is my comfort thing though...

Milord is taking 2 weeks off work to look after the kids while I'm away. He's never even had them both for a day, so I'm a bit worried about him although he's being very gracious about it. What with me being blue, and all Princess' latest medical issues, Milord is a bit short tempered lately. I have to walk on eggshells around him.

*sigh*

Growing Up!

Princess had her first day of Preschool/Kindergarten/Nursery School today! She's a bit younger than they usually take (because she turns 3 in September she was only supposed to start in January) but they had spaces free and I reckoned she was ready.

Princess had a ball! I got there at 2 to pick her up early, as that is usually right in her nap zone, and Princess was still bounding around all over the place. We came home and after a snack (she hardly touched her packed lunch) I tucked her, protesting, into bed where she immediately conked out.

The teachers say she did very well, and next week I'll leave her til 3 and see how she goes. At the moment she is only attending one day a week, but in September we might increase that to 2 days a week.

My baby is growing up!

...but not too fast ;-)

Your Royal Fix

My Dad has just been back in hospital for transfusions. He's home now, which is great! I shall be there in just over 3 weeks, and can't wait.

Here are some pics and vids to cheer Dad up.

King on the couch. No, he's not crawling, climbing or cruising yet. I'm just trying to show him what's possible! King spends a fair amount of time on his front every day, going backwards and getting more and more frustrated. It will click someday.

My boyz.

The highlight of any shopping trip is the coffee shop stop. Princess has a cookie and a babycino. King has an empty space as he's still a destructo menace!

Your Royal Fix

I should be doing Milord's tax return... or I can throw a couple of photos at the internet and watch the Tour with lots of wine. Hmmmm...

Fairy Dancing...

"What's this Mummy?"
"It's a megaphone. Like a microphone. You can sing into it."
"Lalalala! Lalalala!"

...half an hour later...

Some more park time on a chilly day, with arm painting!

And so to bed...

Legs and Stuff

We are having a quiet week. Milord had surgery on his left leg last Friday and is a bit of an invalid...

Milord's left knee has been troubling him lately. I should say "troubling him more than usual" actually, because as an aging rugby forward his knees were ruined many years ago and are always a bit of an issue. However, his left knee flared up badly a few weeks ago and so last week Milord went along to the GP for a specialist referral. While he was there the GP also decided Milord's leg veins were looking dodgy (Milord was aboard a helicopter in the Air Force that had a crash landing decades ago, and some of his left leg veins have been varicose ever since). So he also threw in a vein scan.

3 days later Milord was in hospital having a load of defective veins removed! Seems they were pretty bad and were even harbouring a clot so had to come out ASAP. It's fairly major surgery as they had to go deep to get some of them, and Milord has been weak as a kitten since. He's been a very good patient though as it's not too painful, and he is encouraged to be mobile so he's walked to the shops and to the park over the weekend. Now Milord is back at work, although he's taking it easy and coming home early if he runs out of steam. We are still waiting to hear about his knee!

In other news we are adding 2 feet of privacy screen to 15m of our fence where the raised house extension overlooks the bad neighbour's place (apparently we should have done this as part of our reno). While I'm thrilled that soon I shan't be able to see the bad neighbour any more, we really can't afford the $2000 cost right now - especially not on top of Milord's doctor's bills. Plus I'm flying to South Africa again in August to visit Dad who is not doing well.

But enough about money!

The kids are awesome. King is getting over a horrible headcold, and Princess is testing her boundaries by running away from me when we walk to the shops. Next time I'm going to make her wear a backpack with a leash!

Your Royal Fix

I have heaps to write about, but little inclination. We are all well.

We are trying to finish off our house to let it, and are looking around for a bigger place to rent before Mom gets here in December. So far the estate agents are frothing at the mouth for a chance to let our place! By moving a little further from the city we should be able to afford a couple more bedrooms and a bigger yard. Hopefully without obnoxious neighbours... I have plenty to write about that subject but perhaps should not commit anything to writing!

I have a robot vacuum cleaner. It is AWESOME! Vacuuming is a pet hate, and now I just have to flick a duster into the odd nook or cranny the thing can't reach every so often (or just leave it until the cleaners come every 2 weeks!). King finds "Mo" (nickname chosen from Wall-E - it's the little cleaner bot who follows him around going "Foreign Contaminant!") fascinating, and Princess ignores him unless he actually bumps her ankles.

Looking for puddles in her new wellies. Princess hardly falls down now, but she still walks with her elbows up like a marionette!

More puddles.

Rocking the Peruvian jacket - hi Aunty Jane!

Seesaw.

Snacktime.

Mummy! He's breathing on me!

Helping mummy make biscuits... 

Solids. Finally we progress past biscuits! Broccoli is a big hit, especially the pulverising part.

Long Weekend

I don't feel like writing lately. Dad is awfully ill, and that makes everything else seem petty...

Anyway. Last weekend was a long weekend here in Oz, and we went away to visit friends. Princess' godparents have just bought a little hotel (8 rooms arranged around a small lake/dam on many acres of land where kangaroos wander past) in the Hunter Valley - a wine region about 3 hours from my house. While the hotel rooms are fully equipped, the owner's residence is still a bit sparse and the guest wing has no more than a bed in each room... but then what more do you really need?!

Milord went there last Tuesday to help move furniture around and have a little fun, and Princess, King and I drove up on Friday. The kids were brilliant on the drive. I timed things so that King was fed just before we left and he doesn't mind napping in the car, and Princess snacked all the way on fruit, biscuits and carrot and celery sticks... yes, she's not your normal toddler! Half an hour into the trip she asked if we were almost there, but luckily she's a good girl, plus I had enough of her toys with reach to keep her happy.



Other close friends with a 4 year old girl (J) and 2 year old boy (M) were also invited. I had my doubts because in gatherings before the kids (J and M plus others) have been a shrieking mass barreling past Princess and generally bowling her over, but this time it was a perfect mix! Princess can walk now, albeit a little unsteadily, and J and M were gentle with her. They were constantly taking her by the hand and leading her off into the distance, teaching her to roll down slopes and throw oranges in the orchard, picking her up when she fell and slowing right down to her pace. King is still at the sit and watch (or scoot backwards on his tummy) phase, but he had plenty to watch and was very happy to park on the camping mattress (no rug yet) in front of the log fire and observe chaos.

The Hunter Valley is a lot more inland than Sydney, and gets a lot colder. There was frost on the grass in the mornings but the house was well heated and cosy and we had plenty of layers for going outside. The company was pleasant - while the people are more Milord's friends than mine, the place was big enough and the kids distraction enough so that the certain folk who can't hold their drink weren't a bother. One can always say "Oops, gotta check on King!" to get away from an idiotic debate...



Milord cooked all breakfasts (champagne brunches), lunches were help-yourself, and dinners were shared among the other couples so it was very relaxed catering. Mornings start at 5:30am with King (ugh) and being with friends means late nights, so we were pretty knackered, but to be honest I haven't known what it is to be rested for the last 9 months anyway! Milord surprised me by organising a masseuse one morning though, and that was awesome!

Princess had a ball with acres to explore and nice kids wanting to play with her. Milord hung out with some of his best mates, and I had a lovely time too and enjoyed not needing to do laundry or cooking (except for the kids). I ran around once with the vacuum and somehow managed to avoid the dishes heheheh.



The weather was clear and cold most of the weekend, but on Monday morning when we were due to drive home it started to rain. A bit stressful on the roads, but luckily the kids were brilliant again and we got back to our little, delightful, well-equipped house without incident, put the kids to bed for a nap and relaxed with a glass of wine. Ahhhhhhh.... it's always good to come home!

I have video from the weekend, but it needs editing. I'll post it once I get the hang of things!