Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Spinning Reality

4 years ago this week was when Milord quit his job while being sole provider for the family. I’m not angry any more, but I am disappointed and a bit distrustful still.

The main thing annoying me now is that Milord is starting to rewrite history. He has a tendency to exaggerate things, and to start believing his exaggerations, and then to exaggerate those... I have learned over the years to always take his stories with a sack of salt. But now he’s doing it to the events of 4 years ago and that’s maddening! In front of me, to our friends. Ugh.

So, the true history is:

4 years ago I got a phone call saying “I just quit, and I am on my way home.”

It was awful. We had no savings, I was a stay at home mum with 2 very small children, and we were also supporting my mother who was living with us.

I started job hunting, which was soul-destroying after 4 years as a stay at home mum. Sydney did not want to know me. I put the kids in daycare which they hated and which we couldn’t afford, so that I was ready to jump at the first job opportunity. Milord was job hunting too and getting nothing. He was depressed and I was angry. We couldn’t pay our mortgage and fought with the bank to get a deferment on our payments. Family gave us money and we used the insurance on Milord’s lost wedding ring to pay the mortgage one month. My father’s inheritance was drained paying for food and incidentals. The credit card bills grew by $3000 per month.

After 6 months I finally found work 4 hours away in Canberra. We had to move cities, find a place to live and find daycare. The house and daycare were still more than we could afford, and the credit cards still climbed. I hated my job but I couldn’t leave it. When Milord eventually found a job after 9 months of looking we were $40,000 in credit card debt. We had to remortgage our Sydney house to pay them off.

I was angry and depressed for years. I daydreamed about being divorced or widowed. I drank too much and I put on a lot of weight. Milord sat on the couch and drank and watched golf and didn’t lift a finger around the house or with the kids for a whole year. I eventually forced him to join the local golf club just to get him out of my face on the weekends. He was still a useless husband and father, but at least he was gone some of the time.

Just over one year ago Milord did a business trip to Dubai, and I realised I wanted a separation. I didn’t miss him and it was a relief not having him mooching around the house. I was earning enough to look after myself and the kids, and I felt he’d be a better father with shared custody which would force him to actually spend time with his children. Milord was blindsided! He didn’t realise that I felt betrayed and angry, that I was carrying so much hurt for years. Apparently I am very good at presenting a calm fa├žade to the world.

We talked things through and he apologised for the first time for what he had done.

And then the story spinning started: “I didn’t quit, I was fired, and I was too ashamed to say so”. Now, in Australia you can’t just be fired. It takes several written warnings, with performance targets to meet which reset the dismissal process when you meet them. I have watched Milord try to dismiss problem employees before, and it’s not easy to achieve. So, I don’t exactly accept the new story.

A couple of days ago we saw a friend that we haven’t seen in about a decade. Milord was explaining why we now live in Canberra: “Well, WanderingSaffaChick wanted to re-enter the workforce, and I told her that wherever she found I job I would follow. I wasn’t really enjoying my job anyway.”

What. The. Fuck. I am really annoyed.