Wednesday, 25 August 2010
Several friends and acquaintances of mine have had miscarriages. Each time I've mouthed sympathetic words, but inside I'd always felt that a miscarriage - or even a stillbirth - wasn't quite a person yet and so didn't merit a great of grief.
I was wrong.
Flash was already a person to me, and I am certainly grieving.
It's really hard.
Milord had a go at me for rearranging the babies' room this week: hiding the still-unassembled second cot behind furniture. I just couldn't stand to see that sorry pile of mattress and rails looking at me any more. I packed the double pram in a large bin liner and lugged it into the loft space. I boxed the maternity clothes, and I tidied away the prenatal exercise DVDs. When I have a glad reason to see them again I'll bring them back...
Walking past newborn nappies in the supermarket makes my lip tremble, and watching a documentary about childbirth had tears rolling down my cheeks.
I've lost a kilo since I last stepped on the scale. Where that would normally make me jump for joy I know that the weight loss is my missing baby bump and I just feel awful.
Milord is either being very strong or has disappeared into a man-cave to deal with things. He doesn't want to talk about losing Flash and I'm not ready to talk about trying again, so we're just avoiding the subject. It's a bit lonely.
Physically I'm ok - just a bit of painless spotting.
Emotionally I have a long way to go.
Friday, 20 August 2010
We're doing ok. Had the D&C today. I was terrified - trembling and tearful as I was wheeled into theatre. I'd been under general anaesthetic once before in my life and had such a horrible experience that I'd sworn never to do it again. Unless I had to... *sigh*
In the end the general was just fine. I woke up easily in no pain surrounded by soothing nurses. The crappy part was the 4 hour sit in the waiting room to have the elective pre-booked procedure! I'm never using the public hospital system again. Unless I have to...
I feel better now than I have in a week. Physically better. Emotionally better. Psychologically ready to move on now that Flash has truly left us.
But this is the main reason we feel ok:
She's been brilliant, in spite of spending days in hospital waiting rooms or travelling in the car. In spite of catching a nasty cold and running a temperature. In spite of mummy and daddy needing extra cuddles.
Thank all the gods we have our Princess!
Thursday, 19 August 2010
Last Friday I started bleeding. Just a smudge on the loo paper, but still... I rang my doctor and they said to keep an eye on things and if I was still bleeding on Monday they'd send me for a checkup. It was a long, long, looong weekend. The bleeding got worse, then better, then worse, then better.
On Monday I rang my doctor and they said to get myself checked out at the hospital. I love hospitals. I especially love public hospitals. Milord came back from work and sat with me in a sad cramped room with many other couples looking tense for 4 hours. We were in the miniscule minority in that we had a bright bouncing Princess laughing in our laps, and she has been the only thing keeping us upright at times. I feel so sorry for the childless couples who were waiting with us.
We eventually had a scan that showed us a very undersized Flash, with no heartbeat. Looks like the fetus died a few weeks back, but my body didn't want to accept the truth...
We are not ok, but we are better than we were a few days ago and we are being very very kind to each other. Milord was given the week off to be with me. We went away for a night, via a glorious scenic drive that took 7 hours of mountains and rivers and bright green gum trees. Princess was an angel. I'm still bleeding, but it's painless and more like a period than anything.
Tomorrow I will be having the final cleanup, as my body is still in denial. And then we will pull ourselves back together, and keep on keeping on.
We are so sad. We were so looking forward to meeting Flash.
Saturday, 14 August 2010
Ok, so I never actually stuck with Baby Led Weaning! After a week or two of hand feeding Princess with chunks of food I got fed up and moved to spoon-feeding her lumpy food instead. I am only now starting to introduce finger food that she can feed herself.
The advantage of following BLW for a little while was that Princess never had pureed foods - she mastered her gag reflex very quickly and she was fine on lumpy stuff from 6 months old.
I didn't stick with it because I probably started too soon and Princess wasn't ready to pick up the food herself. The social pressure to have your baby start solids on the day they turn 6 months old is immense, and she really wasn't interested yet. She only started grabbing for my food after 7 months...
...and if was going to hand feed her, then it was easier to make a lumpy spoonable bowl of food.
This week for lunch I started handing Princess skinny strips of sandwich to feed herself. The first got fingered to death and thrown around before I could teach her to bite at it. After that she was totally into the experience. She still can't get to anything in her palm, so a fair bit of food gets thrown when she gives up and chucks it from her.
While Princess has a great pincer grip she doesn't try to eat anything picked up like that. I sometimes sprinkle cooked rice and peas on her highchair tray and she (eventually) picks each one up, peers at it, and throws it around or wipes it into her hair. This puts me off trying her on mac'n cheese etc on her tray!
I should just bite the bullet and do it. At least my floor is wipeable!
Friday, 13 August 2010
I keep getting the subtle hints that my readers (hi Dad!) would like more frequent posts, but I'm not sure what to write about these days.
I live a version of Groundhog Day, and there is only so much one can write about waking at dawn to baby singing,
coffee and cuddles with daddy,
playing on the floor,
visits to the park,
and learning to have her teeth brushed...
Thursday, 12 August 2010
As the uterus is now too large to be contained in the pelvis, it starts to push up above your pelvic bone and for some of you, a little bump is noticeable. You may find your clothes are becoming a little tighter.
Sized at approximately 4.4cm (from head to rump) at the start of this week, the body is growing into better proportion with the head now. The baby actively moves its arms and legs and also takes little 'naps'.
"A little bump is noticeable." Oh boy, is it ever! I have popped out with a vengeance, and am already wearing my maternity jeans. The normal jeans I was wearing still fit, they're just really uncomfortable when I sit down and the waistband digs into my thickening lower abdomen - so why bother?
Last pregnancy I stayed in my normal trousers for as long as I could. I was determined not to have a bump until I absolutely had to - I think I was in denial! This time I'm embracing my condition... I brought all my maternity wear out of the roof over the weekend and there is more than I remember. Certainly more options than in my current "fat clothes" wardrobe! Awesome.
Gestation: 10 weeks
No changes from last week (my bump is all lower abdomen)
How do I feel?
Marvellous. I get weary in the afternoons and sometimes take a nap when Princess has one, but otherwise I feel just fine.
No...... but I have been allowing myself biscuits and chocolate, and that's becoming a bad habit. One mini-Mars Bar would be ok, but the second, third and fourth tend to queue up behind the first!
How does Milord feel?
Still happy and confident, but what with me being so well and normal I think it slips his mind a bit. Every couple of days he'll suddenly ask "How's Flash doing?" and I know it's occurred to him that we haven't spoken about Flash for ages!
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Your uterus is growing in size, now approximately the size of a softball and can be felt when touching your stomach.
Sized at approximately 3.3cm (from head to rump) your baby is changing and can be quite active as it has a fair amount of space to enjoy. Practising bending elbows and wrists, your baby often opens and closes their newly formed mouth. The eyelids have finished forming, but these won't open until much later in the pregnancy.
How big is a softball? I'm not sure that I can feel it - maybe a skinny person could? Enjoy the room Flash, all too soon you're going to be squashed into a ball upside down on top of my bladder!
Gestation: 9 weeks
Yes all those measurements are shrinking... am I the only person in the world who slims down when they are pregnant? Growing babies totally sucks my reserves - luckily I have huge reserves!
How do I feel?
Great! Really great. I don't feel pregnant at all - my appetite is normal and my energy is almost normal. I still nap sometimes in the afternoon when Princess has her sleep - but then I was doing that before I got pregnant if we'd had a rough night! I feel like a fraud when people treat me gently because I'm pregnant... So far I'm really enjoying this pregnancy, which is brilliant.
Nope. Milord keeps buying me icecream and then eating it himself... he did this last time too!
How does Milord feel?
Very happy and very confident. Too confident perhaps, but I prefer this to his anxious attitude last time.
Wow, my Princess is almost a year old! The past few months have absolutely flown. Time flies when you're having fun - and she has been rather fun of late. When she's not ill or teething then she's just a bundle of joy... Milord and I don't know what we've done to deserve such a delightful soul, but we're loving every moment.
Princess now has 5 teeth (you should be able to see the tip of her second left top incisor) and her 6th is trying to join the party. She eats just about anything except honey or egg white. I'm still spoon-feeding because I can't face the mess, but I think she may be ready for finger food very soon. She can eat a biscuit surprisingly neatly...
Princess has now got the hang of rolling from her front to her back, although she's still unlikely to move from where I put her. She won't sit unsupported for long and isn't trying to crawl, but I'm not too worried.
Over the last couple of weeks Princess has started playing interactively. We play "high five" pats and "bye bye" waves, and I've got her throwing a wooden block back to me across her high chair table - very accurately most of the time! She mimics us all the time, from face squinches to head shakes to waving. I can get her to sing "aaaah" after me when she's in the mood. Sooo cute!
Her vocalising is constant, although I wouldn't say she has words. "Dadadada" doesn't seem to mean "daddy", and there is nothing like "mama" at all. Lots of "gagagoogoo bababa yayaya fafafa" etc. and squeaks and squeals. When I sing her a lullaby at night she now joins in with delighted squeals and googoos.
We have baby-proofed most of the house, and every couple of weeks I host my mother's group and watch the other babies test our defences! So far so good. Milord has fashioned perspex shields in front of the appliances and has made wooden barriers for windows and doorways, and I'm going to get him to make another to block off the kitchen/dining area too. Babies move too fast to have them underfoot while cooking!
Right, I can hear Princess singing in her cot. Time to get her up!